Depression in mental health awareness week
Ok, so this is a hard one to post; most people know very little about what I am about to type and it is the scariest thing imaginable to get these words on paper so everyone knows my weakness; the thing about me that is broken, sometimes I think beyond repair.
Knowing my family and friends will see this is mind-numbingly paralysing, the thought of the pity, or the people who tell me to get over it, or who will see me as weak when in fact talking about it is the strongest thing I can do...
But here goes...I suffer from depression. Not the, 'oh no I feel sad kind', not the, 'I'll be alright in a few days kind', the kind where I sometimes cannot get out bed, where my life feels hopeless and there is a hard ball of numbness at the centre of my being where once there was joy.
Depression is like going through hell itself; not only do you not enjoy anything because of that numbness but you cannot see an end to the feeling and you cannot understand why you deserve to feel any better. It destroys your self-esteem, your relationships and your passion for anything. You have no energy, no motivation and what's even worse is that your brain convinces you you're making it all up. Your brain is literally attacking itself, all the while you are aware enough to know that you are messing up your life by letting it win. That's the worst bit: knowing what is happening to you
I have suffered from depression on and off now for 11 years...it has ripped from me jobs, relationships, hobbies and most of all time.
Time is the thing I regret the most: the hours of my life depression has torn from me as it forces me to sleep, sometimes up to 17 hours a day, or sit somewhere, unable to convince my body to get up and do something. Those are hours of my life I can never get back and it for them I mourn, especially on the bad days, I mourn the opportunities missed and the ones I know I will have to miss in the future. For depression robs you of more than just your mind, it robs you of your personality and your joy. It is like a cuckoo that comes in and kicks your own loves out of the nest, inserting it's own spawn into your mind and convincing you that you are the same as it. But you're not.
On the good days, that is hard to remember, on the hardest days, it is impossible. But somehow there has to be light, just a flicker, that keeps you going from one day to the next. It can something so small that no one else notices, a second where you can just about glimpse yourself under all the seconds, where a stranger makes you smile or a thought temporarily distracts you from the numbness in your brain. And it is to that which I cling. It is my light in the darkness, my awareness in a disease which muffles the very essence of my being.
And it's why I write this blog, this terrifying, but wrenching post, because somewhere out there, there is another person feeling like this. It might be you. And I hope and I pray that somewhere in reading this, you caught a glimpse of yourself too. And that might just be enough to keep on going.
Knowing my family and friends will see this is mind-numbingly paralysing, the thought of the pity, or the people who tell me to get over it, or who will see me as weak when in fact talking about it is the strongest thing I can do...
But here goes...I suffer from depression. Not the, 'oh no I feel sad kind', not the, 'I'll be alright in a few days kind', the kind where I sometimes cannot get out bed, where my life feels hopeless and there is a hard ball of numbness at the centre of my being where once there was joy.
Depression is like going through hell itself; not only do you not enjoy anything because of that numbness but you cannot see an end to the feeling and you cannot understand why you deserve to feel any better. It destroys your self-esteem, your relationships and your passion for anything. You have no energy, no motivation and what's even worse is that your brain convinces you you're making it all up. Your brain is literally attacking itself, all the while you are aware enough to know that you are messing up your life by letting it win. That's the worst bit: knowing what is happening to you
I have suffered from depression on and off now for 11 years...it has ripped from me jobs, relationships, hobbies and most of all time.
Time is the thing I regret the most: the hours of my life depression has torn from me as it forces me to sleep, sometimes up to 17 hours a day, or sit somewhere, unable to convince my body to get up and do something. Those are hours of my life I can never get back and it for them I mourn, especially on the bad days, I mourn the opportunities missed and the ones I know I will have to miss in the future. For depression robs you of more than just your mind, it robs you of your personality and your joy. It is like a cuckoo that comes in and kicks your own loves out of the nest, inserting it's own spawn into your mind and convincing you that you are the same as it. But you're not.
On the good days, that is hard to remember, on the hardest days, it is impossible. But somehow there has to be light, just a flicker, that keeps you going from one day to the next. It can something so small that no one else notices, a second where you can just about glimpse yourself under all the seconds, where a stranger makes you smile or a thought temporarily distracts you from the numbness in your brain. And it is to that which I cling. It is my light in the darkness, my awareness in a disease which muffles the very essence of my being.
And it's why I write this blog, this terrifying, but wrenching post, because somewhere out there, there is another person feeling like this. It might be you. And I hope and I pray that somewhere in reading this, you caught a glimpse of yourself too. And that might just be enough to keep on going.
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