My one weakness: Depression
Ok, so this is a hard one to post; most people know very little about what I am about to type and it is the scariest thing imaginable to get these words on paper so everyone knows my weakness; the thing about me that is broken, sometimes I think beyond repair.
Knowing my family and friends will see this is mind-numbingly paralysing, the thought of the pity, or the people who tell me to get over it, or who will see me as weak when in fact talking about it is the strongest thing I can do...
But here goes...I suffer from depression. Not the, 'oh no I feel sad kind', not the, 'I'll be alright in a few days kind', the kind where I sometimes cannot get out bed, where my life feels hopeless and there is a hard ball of numbness at the centre of my being where once there was joy.
Depression is like going through hell itself; not only do you not enjoy anything because of that numbness but you cannot see an end to the feeling and you cannot understand why you deserve to feel any better. It destroys your self-esteem, your relationships and your passion for anything. You have no energy, no motivation and what's even worse is that your brain convinces you you're making it all up. Your brain is literally attacking itself, all the while you are aware enough to know that you are messing up your life by letting it win. That's the worst bit: knowing what is happening to you.
Depression and teaching are not two things that work together. I mean, nothing works with depression other than nothingness, but teaching is especially incompatible; working all hours of the day, being around people all day who are often noisy and test even a saint's patience do not mix with being unable to drag yourself from your bed.
I had to go to my headteacher a few weeks ago and essentially ask for a break; some more free periods because I was suffering panic attacks thinking about going to work. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, bar this post; to admit my life is a failure; that I cannot do my job, especially in my NQT year, I was convinced he would fire me on the spot. It ripped me apart.
But I did it, and you know what? it helps...having people who know helps; they can help. Sure the enveloping fear that someone will laugh at me, or be unsupportive or tell me that I'm just a failure is still there; it eats at my heart and encompasses my very being. But you know what? I refuse to let it win. I am still here, I am still fighting and I will not go down!
Knowing my family and friends will see this is mind-numbingly paralysing, the thought of the pity, or the people who tell me to get over it, or who will see me as weak when in fact talking about it is the strongest thing I can do...
But here goes...I suffer from depression. Not the, 'oh no I feel sad kind', not the, 'I'll be alright in a few days kind', the kind where I sometimes cannot get out bed, where my life feels hopeless and there is a hard ball of numbness at the centre of my being where once there was joy.
Depression is like going through hell itself; not only do you not enjoy anything because of that numbness but you cannot see an end to the feeling and you cannot understand why you deserve to feel any better. It destroys your self-esteem, your relationships and your passion for anything. You have no energy, no motivation and what's even worse is that your brain convinces you you're making it all up. Your brain is literally attacking itself, all the while you are aware enough to know that you are messing up your life by letting it win. That's the worst bit: knowing what is happening to you.
Depression and teaching are not two things that work together. I mean, nothing works with depression other than nothingness, but teaching is especially incompatible; working all hours of the day, being around people all day who are often noisy and test even a saint's patience do not mix with being unable to drag yourself from your bed.
I had to go to my headteacher a few weeks ago and essentially ask for a break; some more free periods because I was suffering panic attacks thinking about going to work. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, bar this post; to admit my life is a failure; that I cannot do my job, especially in my NQT year, I was convinced he would fire me on the spot. It ripped me apart.
But I did it, and you know what? it helps...having people who know helps; they can help. Sure the enveloping fear that someone will laugh at me, or be unsupportive or tell me that I'm just a failure is still there; it eats at my heart and encompasses my very being. But you know what? I refuse to let it win. I am still here, I am still fighting and I will not go down!
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